Martini. Tony Martini.

Shaken… and disturbed.

Tony Martini grew up in Wheeling, West Virginia. (Actually, Tony never really did grow up, remaining a 10-year-old boy in an adult body.) He is half Italian and half Sioux Indian; his mother puts buffalo meat in the spaghetti sauce. 

He graduated from Ohio University with a major in Communications, and a minor in cafeteria, where he accumulated many hours, substantially beyond the required hours to qualify for this minor. While in college, Tony had a penchant for frequent visitations to Starbucks, earning him the distinction of graduating magna cum latte. Tony has held various jobs throughout his adult life, none of which amounted to a hill of beans, except the job he once held that had him neatly stacking some garbanzo and lima beans to form a small hill.

Tony does not divide his time between Saint Tropez and St. Moritz, preferring instead to divide his time between his dank basement and his cluttered attic, where he provides legal representation for his pet squirrel Sonny, which Tony does pro sonny bono, since Sonny can offer only oak acorns, black walnuts, and hickory nuts from his large and varied nut collection as payment.